I really can't fucking believe some people sometimes.

Somehow they think they're doing the right thing, but by doing that they're doing the exact opposite of what you believe to be the right thing. And they're only doing it for you. And you explain. And they go ahead and do it anyway. If taking the high road is leaving me angry forever rather than just momentarily, I'd like to see what the low road is. Too bad I won't though. I'm flying from now on.

I just don't get it though, its like you have two options. Option one doesn't seem all that flash hot right now, but people mend, things change, and there's a chance it could be fucking fantastic. It might end up in shit but at least you know that it really really has when it happens. Option two ends up the exact same - except it just ends in shit because you made it, there is no might about it, it just is shit. But there is no hope and there most certainly is no forgiveness in this option. You're meant to take the option with hope right? The option where even if things don't work out you know you tried your hardest. The option where even if things go to shit there's still forgiveness and the chance to move forward. The option where you don't give up just because you think you're right because you never ever know what will really happen unless you do it.

Well its done. You did it. You completely broke it and it completely shattered. At least the other way I could still respect you as a person. This way I can't. There will never be anything.

Fuck you. I should have listened to everyone, that you couldn't have changed, that your conviction wasn't real. That nothing about you is real. You're a big fucking fake no matter how well you want to think of yourself. How much you think what you do is right. You have nothing because you DESERVE nothing. Your disdain and distrust for others is what did it, not any of your other actions. PEOPLE CAN FUCKING SEE THAT YOU KNOW - DO YOU THINK THEY LIKED TO BE LOOKED DOWN UPON? You have no right to fucking do it. Your ivory tower has no foundation. You are a horrible person, you are heading nowhere, you have no love, you werent even born into a high station in life, nor have you worked your way up to one. Why do you still look down on others? Your egotism is unbounded, you need to eat a fuckload of humble pie. I tried to feed you some but you were afraid of getting fat. While on that topic, your vanity is also unjustified. There is nothing to back those claims up. Just another face in the crowd, even if the haircut could feed a family of four for a week.

Well done. You might think you saved me from a lot of heartache and what not, and maybe you have. But I thank you not for it. And the price you pay for tricking yourself into doing something good is the losing the one thing you may possibly really wanted in life, the chance to never know, the knowledge that even if you did you have lost it forever anyway so theres no point in even bothering to figure it out, and you have lost all respect I ever had for you. I truly believe you are a disgusting stain of a human being, that you are scum. That you will never make good of anything. Good comes from good, not dirt.

I try to think the best of everyone, so its pretty hard to make me really really hate someone and think the worst of them. Congratulations. You join a very elite crowd, populated by cheats, murderers and peadophiles.

I hope you continue floating about in Purgatory forever, you deserve neither certainties of heaven nor hell - even though you qualify for the last layer of hell having betrayed everyone in your life at one point or another. The greatest sin of all.

Ok so I lied in the previous post.

But this is definitely my last entry.
Infact - its my last entry ever as heffaloopaloop.

Things happened, I got incredibly fucked over, and as a result, I'm never speaking to Andy again, because he will never, and CAN'T EVER make it up to me, nor can he repay me for everything I did for him. Its like falling for those nigeria bank email scams. I sent all my money thinking I'd get something huge in return but then I find out that I lost everything just because I blindly trusted someone.

If I can help it I'll never even SEE him again. I realise we have similar friends. Thats ok, I bow out of everything. If you can be sure Andy or Han are DEFINITELY not going to be at a gathering, please, invite me along and I'll be happy to chat and laugh. Otherwise, just forget about me. I remove myself from the circle. Your friendship isn't that important to me.

Ben, my answer is no. I don't want to be your friend. I want new different friends.

Because of all this shit, I'm going to create a new journal (once I've moved house and gotten everything sorted out), and its going to be permanently friends locked. I had a lot of fun with this journal, rarely ever locking posts. And I thought I'd be able to carry on. But now it seems that theres an actual need for privacy because I don't actually want some people to know what I'm doing anymore. I will not be carrying all current listed friends over to the new journal. If I do like you enough to be on the new one, I'd like you not to discuss my happenings and whereabouts with anyone else that even KNOWS Andy. I am to have completely disappeared from his life. If you can't do that, please do the courtesy of telling me so I can unfriend you. Nothing personal, I just need to extract myself from everything. And if you cunts can't respect my privacy over the need for your fucking inane gossip then you can fuck right off too. I don't need that kind of shit, I never asked for it, and if I find out that information is being relayed, I swear on my life you and whoever you spoke to will lose an eye. This is no idle threat.

I require no sympathy. I am okay. It hurts a bit, but after what happened, its safe to say that I have a strong dislike and complete disdain for the methods and actions undertaken by my fucking ex boyfriend. All respect has been lost. The only thing I hope is that he realises just how much he missed out on, and that the next person that does get the opportunity to hold my heart realises it and treats me like a princess, and not a rag on a stick for when he can't reach the sponge. When I'm particularly angry I hope that rest of his life is as fucked up as how I feel now and that nothing will ever go right - but I know inside I don't really. Because I really did love him, and that part of me wishes that he'll learn and become a stronger and better person and that I helped to make him realise what he needs to do to make him happy. And that part of me probably won't die either. Sometimes I wish I could go back and still be friends or something, but I know I'll be all the better for fucking right off and out and not even risk being put in that situation again.

And so... here I sit, flicking my lighter. I intend to burn bridges. Not many though. Some weren't trod often and had the potential to become monumental linking highways, but I burn them regardless so that there are no paths that Andy can walk to get to me. I apologise that I will be doing so to people that hold a strong connecting rope, again, nothing personal. It is a bit silly that I will not be a friend just because they're friends with someone else. But I'm selfish and sacrificing both at the same time. If you think that I may drop you, and really really want to still know me, leave a comment, send an email, something. Otherwise, die quietly and safely, knowing you don't have to chose between anyone.

Goodbye public journal.
Goodbye apartment.
Goodbye "love".

This will be my last post in this apartment! Moving tomorrow, whee!
And how will I commemorate this monumental occassion?

( WoW SCREENIES THAT MADE ME :TEHEHE: (mild image rape) )

'kay I'm done.

1. Velcome Jeffy Weffy to the crowd.

2. Today I bought two big plastic storage container thingies so I could start packing my stuff in them. I realied once I got home that all my food and kitchen stuff will require both containers, so all my other crap will have to go in plastic bags, or cardboard boxes if I can be fucked getting any on Sunday. Starting to wonder if I will be all ready and packed by Tuesday morning. Feeling highly unorganised despite the last few days flurry of organisation and activity.

3. Starting to stress out over many many things.

4. Getting split ends again, should cut my hair once more.

5. Goplanet is 38. Almost mounted. Just ran to the badlands. Will grind a bit later maybe. Don't feel like playing WoW as much right now unfortunately. Could be because I have other things to do. All the christmas stuff is in WoW and ^_____^ I heart it lots. Always makes me laugh. Lol gnome elf costume things.

6. Went out with Dave and Scott for a bit today. And saw butters and ein momentarily, which was good because its been such a long time! LOL NERDS. Went to the peace rally in Bourke St mall. Saw an awesome sign that said "FREE TAMBOULI." If there's anything hippies are good for, its keeping the flies AWAY from you. Because they attack the hippies instead. Seriously, I didn't get bugged by flies at all while all the hippies were swatting them away constantly. Had an appalling dinner at QV (in comparison to last time anyway). Bought more awesome candy, and shared around flavours. Orange was surprisingly good and peach is still the best. Should go back and buy some for elaine and send back for xmas present :D Played hand game with Dave -- but I think I chose all the slightly too hard songs and dave got lost ^_^;;;

7. I still don't want to get up in the morning.

LINE ACTIVATIONS.

I am calamity.

Will be internetless from the 20th for a few days to a WEEK OR MORE THANKS VERY MUCH YOU FUCKTARD CHRISTMAS. Hopefully shit gets done by christmas eve, but I am doubtful of everyone's work ethic, and the amount of communication between ISP and telstra activations. I cry at the amount of calling around I still need to do in regards to the internet connection, as well as various other things. I wish it could be smoother. This is as smooth as things get. RAR. Actually, another dialup acct pls dave. Still have bata's dialup modem :D

Almost everything else sorted out for new house though. Just need to pack and clean.

Pack and clean.

Pack.

And.

Clean.