arr

Lately, I have been having dreams of death and despair. Real bloody dismembering kinds of death and despair. Sometimes gutty rather than bloody.

When I manage to be able to sleep that is.

After being kept up (and keeping andy up) with intense bouts of hacking up my throat, I dream lightly about things not so light.

Sometimes I wake up and wonder why I'm so morbid. Sometimes I wake up and wonder if its just cause I'm sick (physically ill from the flu). Sometimes I wake up and wonder if it means anything (because its been pretty recurrent). Sometimes I wake up and wonder if its a premonition of impending doom. And last night I woke up and threw up.

Which on one hand was probably a good thing because I threw up the cough syrup I took before going to bed and slept like a rock for the next few hours. Ironic that the cough syrup taken to stop coughing seemed to make me cough even worse.

Can't say the last few days have been particularly fun, except for the small moment yesterday when I saw other people and it made me feel normal for a couple hours (and who doesn't feel better after watching several episodes of family guy back to back?). I desperately want to get into some kind of routine that doesn't involve me moping at home alone and depressed and more of me doing stuff around other people - preferably making money at the same time.

I feel like every single deity in the existance of human thought desire and imagination decided it would be funny to party around the pit I dug for myself in an attempt to have a small hole that I could claim as my own and take turns to piss on me in it. I can't climb out, I dug too deep. I can't retort, I am isolated. They are untouchable. Infallible. Innocent. Beautiful. Immortal. I just have to sit and take it. I understand that the Gods need to relieve themselves. It still doesn't mean that it makes sitting here in this rain feel any better just because I understand the reason behind it. And that it makes it easier to forgive and forget about it. I still got fucking pissed on.

I miss my friends. A lot.